Good morning, lass. Fancy a game?
Not with you. Not even with a ball.
That's tha second worst failing - tha never fancies a game!
What's the worst failing? Them wrinkled stockings.
Looks like your legs are packed in corrugated cardboard.
Don't you be talking about me legs! Even me husband didn't talk about me legs! Well, he had his pigeons.
What are you doing dressed like that? I'm kicking a ball about. Whatever for at your age?
I'm improving me fitness so I'll be ready. Ready? For what?
To rescue thee from a fire, from a mad molester, from all kinds of dangers!
That'll be the day when I need rescuing by you! I think I'd sooner go down with the ship than that!
Listen, lass, I'll be here...and ready!
Whoops! I don't know me own strength!
I wish you'd get dressed. I've got company coming! Company?
Mr and Mrs Helliwell for a cup of tea.
Goatie Helliwell? What's tha doing with Goatie Helliwell?
Mrs Helliwell is a friend of mine.
I don't know why tha's inviting him. He's a pain in the a...!
Is that a saxophone?
Well, it's not an elbow joint for a drainpipe.
Is it an expensive saxophone? Yes, Barry, I would have to admit, it is expensive.
I thought it might be. Once blown by Louis Armstrong, the great Satchmo himself.
I thought he played the trumpet. Before he took up the trumpet.
I bet it's a really expensive saxophone.
It comes with free after-sales service and a beautiful carrying case.
A beautiful carrying case? Oh, I've always wanted a saxophone!
What a coincidence! I've always wanted someone who wanted a saxophone. Come inside, lad.
Well, I don't know whether I ought to.
You could blow it for nothing. For nothing?
Or something very close.
She said Helliwell. I bet it's Goatie Helliwell.
Goatie Helliwell from school? Didn't he grow up to be a pompous twit?
Unlike some of us who handle our fame modestly. Says he modestly.
WHAT fame? Interpol used to ask for me personally.
..That were Interflora!
Tha were never in CID. Tha were in Lost Property.
Only to keep me quiet. I was getting too close to Mr Big.
Mr Big! Sounds like Goatie Helliwell.
Even at school he were a pompous twit. But only a small pompous twit.
He was very unreliable with a propelling pencil. I frequently had to disarm him in the playground.
Well, I'm going back to Nora's. Somebody's got to keep an eye on that poor defenceless widow woman.
Defenceless? She could terrify the SAS!
I'm going to see if it's Goatie Helliwell!
SAXOPHONE BLOWS LOUDLY
It's too nice a day to spend under a welly!
Indeed. He could have wiped his welly.
He did. ..On me.
What are you going to do if it is Goatie Helliwell? I'll think of something. I owe him something.
You're outclassed! He beat you at everything...except looking scruffy.
Well, I were smaller then.
Down here, it doesn't feel as though you've ever been small.
And I tell you something else, I think your ferrets have been using your wellies. She's coming out!
Mr and Mrs Helliwell, how nice of you to call! We're very busy, but we fitted you in.
Morris is very busy with various charities.
I do a lot of good work at considerable personal sacrifice.
Goatie Helliwell!
I see you live by the river. Oh, yes, quite near the river.
Yes, that's the river all right. I thought it was the river.
Morris is usually accurate on questions of detail. Oh! Ah!
Oohh!
You were made for each other. Old Satchmo would be pleased.
Can I have the carrying case for free? ..You can, lad.
Oh, dear...there goes me supper.
But don't tell anybody. I don't want them all to know I'm going senile.
Here we are. That's a carrying case? For a saxophone?
Customised. Specially made for this instrument. A breakthrough in saxophone-carrying technology.
I thought it would be a hard case.
Don't YOU be a hard case. Hold that open.
This protects your instrument from dust, keeps it polished
and has the added advantage of nobody knows you've got a saxophone.
Ah! There is that, I suppose.
But you feel such a fool with a limp ostrich.
You haven't a cheap raincoat, have you? Funny you should say that...
Three teas, please, Ivy.
Why is Nora Batty getting involved with Goatie Helliwell? What business is it of yours?
Listen, lass... before he died, Wally said to me,
"Look after her. Keep an eye on her. I give her to thee as a gift!" That's what he said.
How long before he died did he say this?
About two weeks after they were married. Oh!
If you must know, Mr Helliwell is in charge of the ladies who volunteer to clean the parish church.
Nora wants to volunteer. I'm not having Goatie Helliwell in charge of my Nora!
Is he qualified for such a large responsibility? No way, Norm.
On a point of procedure, may I enquire how you intend to stop him?
The way I always stopped him.
But you always lost. I hate to be a wet blanket - but what are friends for? I'm older now.
And considerably more stupid. Which reminds me, I must telephone the former Mrs Truelove.
What kind of a divorce is that?
Well, we've a lot of rows to finish. I'll catch you in the pub later.
Cancel that tea.
Oh, Barry. Barry, do come and join us.
Have you met Mrs Maybury? I don't think I've had the pleasure.
Oh, you see how nicely spoken they are in executive circles.
Mrs Maybury is the chairwoman of the Women's Guild.
This is my son-in-law Barry,
who holds a very, very important position in the building society.
You can't just walk up to the man and challenge him.
Well, that's what we always did, Goatie and me. But you were 11 then.
So, I'm 11 and a bit!
He might not recognise you. Suppose he thinks you're asking for money?
Well, I'm there to challenge him. Maybe afterwards I'll ask him for the money.
Will he accept challenges at his age? He might just laugh at you.
Not if tha knows how to really get him going. You know how, do you?
Always did. Well, come on - the suspense is killing me. Tha'll find out.
Did she strike you as religious?
She had a picture of Cliff Richard.
Yes. I suppose that's close.
That's him!
Goatie Helliwell!
Do I know you? Tha must know me, Goatie. Simmonite.
Who is this person? Just leave this to me.
Tha must know me, Goatie. I'm sorry, I have no change on me. Simmonite!
The wife never carries money.
Raced thee round the block. Remember when tha just beat me climbing that tree?
Oh! THAT Simmonite!
And still wearing the same jersey!
Tha always were a bighead, Goatie.
No offence, missis, but he always thought he had the fastest trolley.
I HAD the fastest trolley! I shouldn't think he's the fastest at anything any more.
I'll have to go, dear. I don't like leaving Mother near naked lights.
You heard that, Simmonite. I can't stop.
I'll race thee round the block now. Are you out of your mind?
Has tha forgotten something? Supposing I tell everybody...?
What is it, dear?
And he thinks he's going to persuade a grown man to race him round the block? Well, you know what he's like.
Insane. I was thinking more along the lines of unrealistic, but insane is close.
He's never really learned to tailor his ambitions to fit his ability. Look at Nora Batty.
No, YOU look at Nora Batty.
You'd better go and collect him. He's had long enough to make a fool of himself. He doesn't need long.
I've heard of wishful thinking,
but to think he could get someone connected with the church to go galloping round the streets...
You like the ladies.
That's why I married one, love.
Oh! A touch of the silver tongue today.
I said, you like being with the ladies.
I think it's because there's no big rough rugby team locally for me to hang out with.
Course, I'd have to take my pinny off first.
I can't help you with the rugby team, but I can find you a nice part-time job that'll keep you with the ladies.
Oh! When do I start? Soon as you like.
They're looking for cleaners for the church.
But it's only females that do that!
You'll be with the ladies.
Really OLD ladies.
Maybe you can form your own rugby team.
Mother, I never expected YOU today.
I never expected to be here either. I think you'd better sit down.
What is it? Is something wrong? Is it Barry?
Sit down. It's my Barry! He's been injured!
Calm down. He has not been injured.
But it's time we had a talk. I'm your mother, you can confide in me. ..Is Barry under stress?
He can't be. He works for a building society!
Are you having any... personal problems?
No, we're very happy.
Then, why is he carrying a cuddly toy? I didn't know he had a cuddly toy!
Look, they're always up to something each week that you don't know about.
Now, YOU have to start wondering what it is they do each week that you don't know about!
I don't believe it! I don't believe my Barry's got a cuddly toy!
He doesn't need a cuddly toy. ..He's got me!
I think I'd better sit down.
Tha's taking tha time, Goatie.
I'm not in practice like you. I've led an altogether steadier life.
Than him? Everybody's led a steadier life!
I think boredom is one of the great achievements of evolution. I think Nora Batty is.
Will she make a good church cleaner?
The best. But warn the vicar never to forget to wipe his boots.
So...it was a draw, was it? Definitely! Rubbish!
Close. Then, we'll have to settle it some other way.
The question is, are you in better condition for your steadier life
than he is for his life of excess? Yes! Just look at him! You can see I'm in better condition!
We know he looks bad on the surface, but that's only skin deep. Oh, Trudikins! I didn't know tha cared!
Did you see that? He squeezed my hand. Holding hands with a policeman in public! Tha's retired.
Not as far as all that. ..I hope it doesn't turn septic.
Maybe he likes you. I expect it's because you're tall.
I like him because he's got money. How do you know I've got money?
Tha's going to buy the next round. What about Goatie?
No. Goatie's a guest. I am. I am a guest.
I bet I could beat thee at spending, Goatie. I'll concede you that one.
I bet I could beat you at climbing trees.
I like the confidence. ..I always think it's a sure sign of imbecility.
I can't go about in my position climbing trees! No! And that's final!
I meant practically final.
I'll just go and get the drinks.
What's this mysterious power of persuasion you've got over Goatie? It's uncanny.
I wish I had the same over Nora Batty.
Why? Would you want her to climb trees?
She'd look very striking up a tree. ..You won't tell us, will you?
Get me down!
It's usually cats. We get lots of cats up the trees.
But senior citizens - now, there's a novelty.
"Don't do it," I said. I felt it my duty to warn them.
What are they doing up there, anyway? Not very well.
They're old rivals trying to settle an argument.
About who was the barmiest. Looks like another draw.
How do you get them down?
Well, usually we shout, "Kitty, kitty, kitty."
Barry, me old lad! Congratulations, me old love.
So it's true. The missis said it must be true. She said you were buying cuddly toys. But it's not...!
Any of my business. I know. But I've waited so long for this!
Here you are, lad! Isn't she a beauty?
A beauty! What is it? What is it?! It's only the best kid's trolley for miles around.
In the whole country, I wouldn't be surprised. Who's it for? For him.
Him? The one you bought the cuddly toy for.
There's no him! All right, HER!
I've been making it for ages, expecting you to come along and tell me I was going to be a granddad.
But you're not! Supposed to know! I know all that, lad.
We'll keep it our secret.
I think they both learnt something today.
That they're not as good as they used to be. That they never were.
Let's face it, we're past it!
Just half past it. We got up the tree. Down was the problem.
You'll never know who's the better man. You'll have to call it a draw.
How do, lads.
You're a breath of spring(!) If I'd wanted gloom, I could have stayed married.
You make your grandson a superb trolley... I've put some hours into that trolley. Doesn't he like it?
I haven't got a grandson. And it doesn't look as if I'm going to get one.
Tha's got a trolley? The best trolley in the county.
Goatie, this bloke's got a trolley.
Here we go again.
There was a Mr Hewitt had a teddy bear long after he was married.
They tried removing it, but he just sulked in the corner.
They say he looked after it exceptionally well.
He'd never take it out in inclement weather. It wasn't a cuddly toy, it was a case for his saxophone.
Funny sort of case for a saxophone.
It stops the saxophone getting scratched.
Sounds as if he's scratched to me. What does he want with a saxophone?
He's always wanted a saxophone. You let him have everything he wants?!
You have to be stronger with them than that! It's for their own good.
I am strong with him. I said he can't play it in the house. Where's he going to play it?
Outdoors. Till he gets better at it.
I think mine uses the same system.
I can imagine anyone thinking they needed new curtains,
but fancy waking up one morning and thinking, "I must have a saxophone."
Why did Mr Hewitt have a teddy bear?
I think he found it more restful than Mrs Hewitt.
She had a voice you could open cans with.
Well, I'll keep mine away from his cuddly toy for a while. I've volunteered him for church cleaning.
ALL: Church cleaning?!
We'll follow you in the Land Rover to ensure fair play to the highest standard.
I think you were probably safer up that tree.
Rubbish! I'm in control of this thing.
I were always a natural at this.
I thought that was idleness. And that.
Gifts in every direction.
Some of us just have it, Norm.
In the interest of safety, if you hear any vehicle coming, just turn off onto the grass.
Let's have a good clean race.
Get on with it! ..He's got more clatter than Marina's jewellery.
Right, you men, on my signal, road traffic regulations will apply.
One...two...three...GO!
Wait for me! Wait for me!
What are you doing? I don't like dangerous situations. I hate to watch. Ever since me nerves went.
Honeymoon? ..How did you guess?
She's going a bit! I knew she was a great trolley!
Tha's had it this time, Goatie! Rubbish!
HORN SOUNDS Hey up! There's a lorry coming!
Why did they turn in to a field? HORN SOUNDS
Good decision. They must have been trying to avoid that lorry. HORN CROAKS
Not only plays like a lorry, he's run over an ostrich! She won't let me play it indoors.
You should play the ostrich and run over the saxophone.
Ah, I wish to welcome you all, ladies.
And, of course, our newcomer. Have I seen you with a tall young lady?
Not me, I was home at the time.
Mr Helliwell will be here any moment to explain your duties.
This may be him now. He's very reliable.
You'll be all right! Just don't do any sharp cornering for a while. With either leg.
I'm sorry I fell on you. It's all right. It meant I got there first.
Ah, yes, it is Mr Helliwell.
Call that reliable?
Well, look who he's been with! And look who HE'S with!
Where have you been? And look at you! Look at you!
Come on, sly boots. Tell us what you had on Goatie. Nice bit of blackmail you kept working there.
I promised him I wouldn't tell. A man's word is his bond.
For a pint. Oh, all right - for a pint!
You held out well then. For a while, I thought you were going to let him pull out all your fingernails.
For one pint then, what's his dark secret?
I once caught him under some mistletoe with Marina.
..Sounds harmless enough.
Harmless? Marina?
Oh, come on! Festive season.
It were July!
Oh, Marina. Oh, Howard.
Oh, good grief!
Oh, Helliwell!
Fancy a lift, love? If only you COULD offer a girl some transport!
Where's he going with that young lady? ..Whoever she is.
I don't know, but she's going downhill fast. You've dreamed of that day -
but you thought you'd be driving.
Subtitles by BBC Scotland - 1998